The Ultimate Sexual Orientation Test


I was driving home from University, listening to Cece Frey. I was bored, obviously. Not because of Cece, don’t get me wrong, just because the line of cars in front of me was moving as fast as a sick snail and all I wanted to do was going back home and watch Spartacus, so pretty much anything keeping me from getting to the tv was making me extremely anxious.

I was looking for a way to keep my mind busy and, as it always happens when I want to do that, I started making a list. This time I was surprised by the result, though. I wasn’t surprised by the five things making up my list, I was surprised by what I realized once I’d analyzed them. I think I’ve discovered what is The Ultimate Sexual Orientation Test. Well, maybe not the ultimate -nor scientific in any way, for that matter-, but I think it’s effective.

It’s crazy how easy this is. So, if you want to give it a go, first of all you need to find five minutes to relax, free yourself from any sexual distraction (the picture of your boyfriend, your girlfriend and Vin Diesel, are all sexual distractions). Close your eyes -unless you are driving, in that case I strongly discourage it-, forget you are in a relationship, forget about the person you’ve slept with last night and that you might call back (even if you know you have to), and think about the top five things that you find sexy.

It could be body parts, accessories, haircuts, facial expressions, fashion styles, scents, attitudes, gestures, looks. What you have to keep in mind is that the choice needs to be precise. For instance, if you are thinking about “a person with a nice scent” you are doing it wrong. You see, anybody -or almost anybody-, likes a non-smelly person. To make this test as accurate as possible you need to think about the type of scent that you like. Sweet? Intense? Fruity?  Blue cheesy?

Once your top five is complete you can start analyzing it, one step at the time.

If all five things in your list refer to a specific gender, then you are a typical Battleship: you know what you are and you are proud of it. I don’t think you have any doubts on your sexual orientation, and I’m pretty sure you’ve taken this quiz out of curiosity, or simply because you like to think about things you find sexy. I can’t blame you…who doesn’t?

If four out of five elements refer to the same gender you are an Anchor: steadily sank into the ground that you like best, with no intention of going anywhere. Nobody is asking you to, actually.

If three out of five things you’ve chosen are gender-specific and the other two are vague, don’t you worry: that doesn’t make you bisexual (I don’t think so at least). That means that there are some things that you like that are more neutral, things that you could find in both a man and a woman. You are a Twig: you are steady in your territory but from time to time the wind might carry you somewhere else, and you can’t help but let it.

If you have picked three elements that clearly refer to a gender and two that clearly refer to the other, then by all means you are a Coin: you have two sides, it all comes down to how they flip you and what side you land on.

If every single element is vague there are three options: you might be and asexual Soup, you might have not taken the test seriously (and in that case I’m not going to find a funny name for you), or you might also be a Coin.

The last option is also the result I got. When I realized that every single one of my elements was perfectly neutral I thought that my anti-boredom game could also become a fun test. I obviously knew that I was a Coin, but finding it to be true this way was quite entertaining. My top five was:

5. Crooked smiles (those where just a corner of the mouth goes up, and make you look a bit like a braggart)

4. Leather wristbands (it’s better if they’re dark)

3. Strong arms (I mean with muscles, but not too much. Strong enough to make you feel safe)

2. Self-confidence (or the attitude of someone who fears nothing)

1. English (yeah, English. Remember, I’m Italian. I don’t jump on anyone who speaks it, by the way)

After making this list -since my sixth element was going to be dark skin (the olive one, that looks like you are tanned)- I’ve gotten to several conclusions. The first one is that I’m a clear Coin. The second one is that my list could also be a description of LuckyBastard or Harry Potter the way I describe him in my fan fictions, which also brought me to acknowledge once again my Pottersexuality -and my bisexuality-. The third one is that I always end up taking myself too seriously and making up tests that I claim to be truthful on the basis of lists that I make when I’m bored, while I’m listening to Cece and I question myself on the reason why they keep having Lucy Lawless wear such terrible blond wigs.


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