Coming out isn’t something that happens overnight or in a week, it’s a long process. I’ve been out for years and I still have to come out to people every day. Unlike many other stories, mine isn’t sad or depressing at all. It is the example that sometimes things do work out the way you were hoping they would. But let’s start from the beginning.
I can’t say that I’ve always known that I was gay, I actually didn’t know what ‘gay’ meant until I was 9 or 10 years old, but even before that, I’d had my fair share of girl crushes. Of course I’d also had boy crushes, so I’d never really realized that there was something different going on. Looking back I can definitely tell there were signs, but I was completely clueless back then.
When I left elementary school and went on to middle school I became the stereotypical boys-obsessed kid and even those small tell-tale signs of my real sexuality disappeared from my thoughts. Of course I didn’t realize that my feelings where influenced by all that was going on around me, and until I started having sexual desires I had no idea that what I felt wasn’t the real deal.
Everything changed when I started high school and, I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear this, it had a lot to do with SnobbishBlond. We soon became friends and I started feeling drawn to her in a way that I had never felt before. I had no idea what it was, but it drove me completely insane for over a year. It took me many months only to admit to myself that I might be bisexual.
I’ve found that taking it one step at the time was the easiest way to go through it: once I had admitted that I had feelings for her, it was easier to come to terms with the fact that I was also attracted by other girls. From that, telling myself that I wasn’t interested in men at all wasn’t such a big deal.
It was around that time that she came out to me and told me that she thought she was bisexual, so I seized the opportunity and told her that so was I. Coming out can be scary, but telling it to someone who has just come out to you is definitely easier.
After my first coming out it took me a long time to do it again. I was still confused, and I didn’t know for sure if I was gay or bi or what. I even dated a guy for a couple of weeks when I was 16 years old, and I guess that was what I needed to really understand what I wanted. He was a nice guy, but I wasn’t attracted to him at all, and I remember fearing that he’d make a move on me because I really didn’t want him close to me that way, even though I couldn’t explain why. Luckily he was very shy, so I didn’t have to fight him off. After a couple of weeks of me ignoring him he got the hint and broke up with me. I know, not my best moment, but I was young and confused.
So when I turned 17 I finally knew what I wanted and who I was, and about a year later I started feeling the need to tell everyone. I don’t know if this is true for everybody, but I do know that when I was in the closet all I wanted was not having to hide anymore. It’s a weird feeling really, wanting to tell everyone and at the same time fearing that moment with all your soul. I don’t really know what it was that made me so scared: I was quite sure that the people I knew wouldn’t have cared, but it still took me a long time to do it.
After I started telling people I felt so free that I know I could never go back in now. My friends were all totally accepting: we would go to gay bars together, talk about girls I would date and everything, but I still had one challenge ahead of me, because I hadn’t told my parents yet.
For some reason the idea really scared me, even though I knew they would have been fine with it: they both have gay friends and have always been supportive of me no matter what. I finally had the courage to do it when I was 19 years old and I haven’t regretted it for a second. All my mom said was that she was happy that I had finally told her, because she knew that something was up and she was worried about me. As I wrote in another article, my dad (whom I came out to the next day) only asked me what my mother had said, and when I asked him what he thought about it he said that nothing had changed for him.
I know that I’ve been really fortunate in my life: I live in a country where homosexuality isn’t fully accepted, and yet I have never been rejected by anyone because of it. I hope that maybe my story will give courage to people who are still afraid to come out, and show them that sometimes all you have to do is take a deep breath, and let everything follow its course.