I’ve always seen things as either black or white. As you might know by now, I make lists, a lot of lists, because I like to keep everything under control. I have a “preference” on just about anything I can think of (color, food, actor, actress, job, dream, kamasutra position, and so on). It so seems particularly absurd that I –the person who has practically made a job out of her own preferences– don’t have a favorite gender.
You can imagine my frustration when I realize that “grey” people -who never ever take a clear position on any issue, not even on the most futile ones- “seem” more oriented than I am, in that field.
I’ve used quotation marks on the word “seem”. I did that because, to be honest, my straight friends don’t look more oriented than I do. My orientation is very clear to me. My compass points North – a bit towards Bradley James’ smile, a bit towards Cece Frey’s- and it couldn’t get any easier than this. The problem with my compass is, apparently, that it’s lying. If you listen to some people’s bitter and ignorant comments, I’m lying. Why? Because I’m a nympho. Because I don’t want to admit that I’m gay. Because being bisexual is easier.
This just in: being bisexual isn’t easy at all. First of all, nobody actually believes you. Girls think that you are straight and that you’ll eventually break up with them to be with a man. Guys think that you are joking or that, after all, it only matters if they’ll be able to have a threesome with you and one of your exes.
You know, to be honest, I’d rather be gay or straight. I’d rather be able to identify with one of these categories you are all so proud of and get it inked on my forehead. I’d rather be able to define my sexuality without people looking at me skeptically or telling me unkind words. I’d rather be black or white, so that I could be put there, conformed, in a pretty little box, and shown in one shop window or the other. But I’m not. I’m part of a third category that, sorry to break it to you, exists. I can’t help it.
I wonder why there are so many gays who hate bisexuals. Who insult them. Who would want to cut them out of the community. Do you think we’ve chosen to be bisexual? Do you think I’ve made myself like sculpted pecs with an electroshock therapy session? Don’t you think my teens would have been easier if after a while I would have been certain of what I was, instead of torturing myself for ages because I couldn’t understand what was going on? I did not choose this. If I could have, I would have gone with something different.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being bisexual, but I’ve hated it with all my strength. Some might say that, being bisexual, I must have had a way out during my teens. I was able to think “fine, I like women, but I’ll still be able to get married and give my parents a thousand grandchildren”. That’s true, I can’t deny it, I had a way out.
But there was also how I felt about the captain of my volleyball team and how I felt about my boyfriend at the time, and the feeling of loving him one day and her the next. The impression of playing with his feelings, because sometimes the thought of being a lesbian was so real I could have sworn it with blood. The impression of loving him with all my heart and the certainty that all my thoughts about her where only a consequence of my age, of my admiration for her, of all the qualities she had that I would have never been able to get. The impression of never being able to understand anything.
The idea of being bisexual had never even crossed my mind. Like I said, I’m the kind of person who sees everything as either black or white.
I remember trying to come up with an answer by watching TV. I used to look at the actors, trying to decide if I was more into him or her. Looking back at it I realize that I was choosing what to look at according to what answer I was looking for.
In the end I stopped going back and forth. I was who I was, that was it. I was straight and I was gay, too. Later on, I figured out that I was neither, and that I was part of another category that should be respected just like the other ones, one that we should be proud of.
I find it extremely unfair that people judge bisexuals according to wrong ideas and prejudices. What seems absurd to me, is that gay people do it, when they should be the first ones to know what it means to suffer because of wrong ideas and prejudices. And what’s even more absurd to me is that there are some lesbians out there who hate me without even knowing me, maybe because once upon a time, a bisexual girl broke their heart.
What should be clear to everybody is that a bisexual woman isn’t a confused teenager. That when a bisexual woman leaves her partner for a man, that’s not expression of all bisexual women. That all bisexual women are different, just like all gay and straight people are different. If you are familiar with Queer as Folk, the world isn’t made out of Brians – although the world would definitely be sexier and better dressed if it were made out of Brians-. There are also Teds, Michaels and Emmets in this world. There are bisexual women who leave other women because they are actually straight, because being with a man is easier, because they’ve fallen in love with a man. And there are others who don’t. There are bisexual women who spend their whole life with their woman. I kid you not: they exist. And they shouldn’t be hated on just because they think that Jared Leto’s got a nice ass.
The truth is that I couldn’t imagine living my life without my bisexuality. Making me pick one side or the other is unfair, just like it’s unfair to make a gay or a straight person be something they are not. I’m going to have to make a choice, in the end, but it won’t be based on physical attraction. And that choice won’t make me gay or straight. It will be a choice from my heart. And, as we all know, the heart knows no gender.