What lesbians think about bisexuals

A couple of days ago I opened one of my favorite YouTube channels (Arielle Scarcella’s channel, that is) and found a very interesting video, called What lesbians think about bisexuals. Here Arielle asks a group of gay women a bunch of questions about bisexuals and bisexuality. Even though the majority of them says many things that could be perceived as hurtful and unfair I’ve interpreted the video as a way to challenge their beliefs and make them realize that their opinion is just driven by stereotypes and bad past experiences. After the interviews she makes some really good points about how lesbians are often judgmental and discriminating towards bisexuals and the message that comes across is that you shouldn’t rule out bi women just because they also happen to like men. All in all a good video.

Of course the video didn’t go unnoticed and it caused quite a stir all over the internet: angry bisexuals feeling persecuted on one side, angry lesbians arguing that bisexuals are cold-blooded sluts who are too greedy to make up their minds on the other. Now, I really don’t see what all the fuss is about: even though I understand why some bisexuals were hurt by this video, its whole point was to have lesbians think about how crazy their preconceptions are, so it was actually on their side. About the lesbian response to the video…well, saying that I was ashamed isn’t enough. I am so appalled by these women who have nothing better to do than trash bisexuals.

Let’s look at this objectively, shall we? There are tons of women out there who say that they would never in a million years date a bisexual, because they are allegedly incapable of a serious commitment and that at the end of the day they are just going to leave them for a guy. I want all of you to take a moment and grasp how absurd and flimsy these arguments are. Most of all, I want to point out that it always sucks when someone breaks up with you and, honestly, I don’t give a damn if they are leaving me for a man, a woman, a monkey or a unicorn.

I have said in a previous article that I don’t really like to engage with my lesbian community because at times they might be a little too intense and take themselves a little too seriously. Well, this is exactly what I’m talking about. There is so much hate towards bisexuals going around, when people should just be able to date whomever they want and identify as whatever it is that they feel they are.

The thing is, I know what it is that triggers all this hate and aggressiveness. It’s insecurity. Women who don’t want to date bisexuals have often been hurt by a bisexual in the past and, in my opinion, they feel like they would be in competition with man and can’t handle that. The truth is that it’s not a competition. A lesbian has the potential to break your heart just as much as a bisexual does. To quote one of my favorite movie lines ever: grow up. And get over yourself.

Advertisements

33 thoughts on “What lesbians think about bisexuals

  1. B. says:

    It’s a good thing that lesbians (and everyone else) are seeing this video, it makes them think about bisexuality.
    If a bisexual is going to leave you (a lesbian), it doesn’t matter if it’s because of a guy or a woman. If she doesn’t love you anymore and breaks your heart, who cares why she leaves? She still leaves

    Like

    • LuckyBastard says:

      That’s exactly the point I was trying to make. I really don’t understand why so many lesbians have problems with bi girls…I mean, if I like a girl I just do, I don’t care at all what her orientation is.
      Thanks for your comment!

      Like

    • sarah says:

      you’re very ignorant of power dynamics. men hold the power in society. whoeevr is romantically involved with them, has some of that power. lesbians will never be involved with a man, and thus will never have that societal power. we feel like we cannot provide for our partner like a man can, so it makes us feel insecure

      Like

      • B. says:

        I’m a lesbian and dating a bisexual doesn’t make me feel insecure.This isn’t about power or providing for your partner. It’s about love and trust. Cheating is cheating. If a woman leaves you for a man, just because of that so called power, then I don’t think she’s worth it. She’s stupid and ignorant.

        Yes, in this world, men do have more privileges and it’s our job (as women) to makes it equal. Equality is key. But that’s a whole other discussion. This video is about sexuality, not about equality.

        Like

  2. alexkellyoc says:

    That was a pretty shitty video to be honest. I’m so sick of this “war” between bisexuals and lesbians. We should all start looking at cheating as cheating since when you cheat, it’s not important with who it is-the fact is that you cheated or you’ve been cheated on.
    One of the girls said something like “You like dick but I don’t” sort of thing but really-dating a bisexual doesn’t always mean I want a dick and a vagina in my bed. Like I personally don’t even like the idea and would rarely use a strap on (and when using, I’d be “the man”).
    Date whoever you want but don’t put the bisexuals under such bad label and find a better reason to decline us.

    Like

    • LuckyBastard says:

      I completely agree. The way I see it, I’m attracted to the girl not to her sexuality, so it really doesn’t matter what she is attracted to.
      As for the cheating part, people really need to realize that bisexuals aren’t more likely to cheat just because they are attracted to both genders, it’s not like they are attracted to everything that moves.

      Thanks for re-blogging!

      Like

  3. Jan W. says:

    I can’t watch the video yet (found this blog while I am at work), but I fully understand the gist. I am a lesbian, and my girlfriend is bisexual. If I worry about anything it is that she will one day decide she doesn’t love me, and it won’t matter if she does or doesn’t love someone else – I will be crushed either way!
    Of course I am one of those late bloomers and just realized my sexuality about 3 years ago. From what I hear, “typical” lesbians don’t like us much either….

    Like

    • LuckyBastard says:

      It’s nice to see a gay and a bi woman in a relationship, not caring about this weird “war”. That’s exactly what I said, it wouldn’t matter who she leaves you for, those who care about it are just insecure about themselves and probably perceive men as a threat.
      As for what the “typical” lesbians approve of, I think the answer is close to nothing. I am probably viewed as a traitor with all my straight friends…of course not all lesbians are like that (thank goodness!), they are just harder to spot I guess 🙂

      Like

    • Lexii says:

      I know exactly how you feel! I’m bisexual and my girlfriend is lesbian she always says I have to pick a side otherwise I’m a slut and it crushes my heart to hear her say that.

      Like

  4. JB says:

    I always wonder two things about bisexual women:

    1. What percentage of bisexual women intentionally seek out ONLY other bisexual men/woman for relationships? Doesn’t that make things a whole lot easier? As a genderqueer-identified person, I know that I’m TOTALLY not attracted to straight/cis women or men — only to lesbian women and gay trans*guys. Why would a non-straight (bisexual) woman be attracted to a straight man? I don’t get that. Seems like a conflict right from the starting blocks. Why willfully enter into a mixed-orientation marriage? The stats on the longevity of MoMs are terrible — like only a 33% success rate.

    Seems to me that the problem is that, for bisexual women, their “attraction parameters” are too fuzzy for lesbians to deal with. It’s not the fact that they have attractions to MEN; it’s that they have attractions to STRAIGHT men. I’m not intimidated about “competing” with men; I can love/please a woman a hella lot better than any man. But I can never compete with “straight,” and all of the het culture alignment, privilege, “normalcy” that goes with it. If she’s with me, we’re livin out, proud and QUEER — there’s no getting around it. If that doesn’t interest her — if she doesn’t CRAVE that like I do, we’re not a match.

    2. Why don’t more bisexual women date genderqueer/genderfluid/transgender men/women? That’s always seemed like a PERFECT match to me! A little o’ this, a little o’ that…..

    JB

    Like

    • SnobbishBlond says:

      Since LB (who wrote the article) is gay and I’m bi, we thought it would make more sense for me to answer your questions, so here it goes:

      1. As a bisexual woman I can assure you it has nothing to do with enjoying the “straight privilege” or being in a queer relationship, ultimately it all comes down to what I’m attracted to. If I’m into a bisexual guy I don’t see why I shouldn’t be into a straight one, since their “characteristics” are essentially the same. Whenever I meet a man I don’t ask myself if he’s straight or bi before “deciding” if I like him or not, and the same goes for women. I think that the reason why bisexuals don’t actively seek out bisexual relationships is that sexual orientation counts close to nothing. I would find it silly to start a relationship on something that has no real importance to me. I don’t care if the person I’m dating is straight, gay or bi, what I care is enjoying each other’s company, regardless of the rest. I won’t deny that being in a straight relationship comes with some privileges as you said, but I’m telling you, most bisexuals don’t find this important.

      2. The thing is, someone who is bisexual isn’t attracted to “a little o’ this, a little o’ that”; I’m in fact often attracted to both very masculine guys and very feminine girls. It’s just that what I find attractive has nothing to do with being a man or a woman. I sometimes feel like I’m rather lucky, because there’s a huge number of people that have the potential to possess all the characteristics that I’m looking for.

      Like

      • JB says:

        Thanks for answering. I will have to take your word for it that sexual orientation doesn’t figure into bisexusls’ attractions, because that’s 100 percent opposite of my experience. I could no more fall for a straight person than a horse or a robot. Aren’t you accepting some level of invisability when you’re with a straight man? I mean, you can’t wear an “I’m a bisexual” t-shirt, or tell everyone you meet EVERY minute of every day that you’re with him. The assumtions that I’m straight would would really bother me. Being visibly queer is important to me for many reasons, one of which is that it’s one of the tenants of my identity. Is that just universally less true for bisexuals, or are you all ok with sacrificing your personal identity to some degree if the rlx with a straight man is good? Is there sometimes tension inside bisexual women and/or their rlxs with straight men re this?

        Like

      • SnobbishBlond says:

        I can’t speak for all bisexuals obviously, but sexual orientation has nothing to do with attraction for me.
        I don’t feel like I’m accepting any invisibility because all the people I know and care about already know that I’m bi and that doesn’t change according to who I’m dating.
        My sexuality is an important part of myself, but it’s not the most important thing so I don’t really care if people assume I’m gay or straight. Therefore I in no way feel like I’m sacrificing my personal identity.
        As far as the tension goes I think it varies from person to person: some straight men don’t really care if you’re also dated women, others feel threatened or anyway don’t understand it (the same goes for lesbians though) 🙂

        Like

      • Diedre says:

        I think SnobbishBlond hit it on the head: “My sexuality is an important part of myself, but it’s not the most important thing so I don’t really care if people assume I’m gay or straight.” I agree with all her points on this subject and can relate to her points of view almost perfectly. However, if my sexual orientation were more important to me the it’s likely I would feel the need to not be invisible in a relationship with a man. I actually consider myself to be sapiosexual. The most important trait a person can have that will attract my attention is intelligence. I feel that if the person I’m speaking to can stimulate me intellectually then we have the potential for something special. If they will have me, then their sexuality means nothing to me.

        Like

  5. TomBoy says:

    Good post. It is scary when you’re dating a woman who is bi, but it’s as you said, because you feel like you won’t be enough. Love with your whole heart and hope. (I’m doing that.)

    Like

    • LuckyBastard says:

      Good for you! If she’s with you, it means that you already are enough, so don’t worry too much and never second guess yourself. If you love you always get love back 🙂
      Thanks for the comment!

      Like

      • TomBoy says:

        You’re welcome. I have had a relationship with three Gold Stars and the rest of the girls have been bi, so I do know that when these girls are ready to be with a girl, they do so. Thanks for this post.

        Like

  6. gabbigalegoober says:

    Thank u so much for posting this! Straight, gay, bi, lesbian…whatever, cheaters cheat. Your sexual orientation doesn’t make you cheat! I’m bi and I’ve said this time and time again. What a lot of people don’t get is that being bi doesn’t always mean we want both! It’s about either not both!

    Like

    • LuckyBastard says:

      “It’s about either not both!”: if only I’d had this sentence when I was writing this! I think it expresses exactly what I was trying to say.
      I’m glad you liked the article, I’m gay so it’s usually SnobbishBlond the one writing about bisexuality on this blog, but I felt like I had to let people know that many lesbians don’t feel this way about bisexuals!
      Thanks for commenting!

      Like

  7. Molly Williams says:

    I am 13 and I have become lesbian. If any of you guys can give me some advice about vein lesbian or anything like that I would love it. Thank you!

    Like

  8. Lexii says:

    I’m 16 and my girlfriend is 19, however my girlfriend always says I need to chose a side because if I don’t by the time I’m 18 all the lesbians will consider me a slut bc bisexuals don’t exist. And she’s always accusing me that I’m going to cheat on her with a guy when in reality I won’t bc it’s wrong to cheat either way. And I love her more than anything. I always see all these girls practically flirting with her on her Facebook and she says they’re just friends but all this hurts me because I feel like the equal rights she is fighting for (lesbian&gay) she is taking away from me just because I like both genders. And also sometimes I’m not quite sure these girls are “just friends” like se says. I like a person for their personality , not what they look like or what parts they have. It doesn’t matter to me as long as you have an amazing personality that catches my eye then I might possibly fall for you but that does NOT mean us bisexuals are sluts just because we like both genders.

    Like

    • LuckyBastard says:

      Hey Lexii, I honestly think it’s crazy that your girlfriend has the guts to tell you to ‘pick a side’: you are who you are and, no matter what certain lesbians like to say, bisexuals do exist. Don’t let her or anybody else define who you are, only you can know that.
      It is true that in the gay community bisexuals are sometimes discriminated against but that is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t let them bully you like this.
      Maybe your girlfriend is just insecure because she’s had a bad experience with a bi girl in the past, you should try and explain to her that, just because you’re also into guys, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to cheat on her with one. If she can’t understand that, maybe you should find somebody that does.
      Also, don’t worry about being labeled a ‘slut’: there will always be people who will think that but I can assure you that you’ll also find many people who respect and don’t question your sexuality.

      Like

  9. Kerowyn says:

    I am a lesbian who likes to believe that there are bi women who can be monogamous with women in a committed relationship. But i know too well why lesbians fear being with bisexuals. I have a few bi women friends who are lovely people, but unfortunately for me, of the 10 girls I dated, 7 were bi, and 6 of these eventually wanted to be allowed to date at least one man at the same time in some sort of configuration.

    When objecting to this didn’t work, I tried to be open minded but it tore me up inside . The other bi woman didn’t bother asking this. Instead, she dumped me to date a guy. Then, dumped him to get me back. Rinse and repeat until I stopped going back. After the most recent one who really did leave me cos she “missed dick too much” (her words, not mine), I really need time before I’m brave/strong enough to chance this again.

    I’m not sharing this to bash bi women, but to try and explain that it’s not me generalizing cos of just one bad experience. I do realize that correlation =/= causation, that bisexuality and polyamory are different concepts and not exclusive to bisexuality, but in my own life experience bi women tend to be higher risk for this, and while I’m told they’re out there, I have yet to meet a bi woman who is in a monogamous relationship with another woman. Yes, I understand that part of the reason is that there are more men than women available to date, so monogamous bi women end up with men more often than not. That, however, doesn’t keep this from being a discouraging observation for me.

    I don’t agree with how some lesbians become hateful and hurtful because of bad experiences like these, and I acknowledge that bisexuals want and deserve to be treated with respect and understanding, so please likewise understand that at least some lesbians who avoid dating bi women are doing so for valid reasons based on actual life experiences. For the record, two of the three “lesbians” I was with hurt me a lot too in diff ways.

    For a while, I wished I wasn’t attracted to women but problems are everywhere, and we shouldn’t be so demeaning/spiteful/militant regarding other people’s preferences and personal choices. This goes for all people: straight/bi/gay/pan. We don’t have to agree with each other, but act civil at least. I think it would help if more people learned how to cope with pain in better ways than simply internalizing and perpetuating it.

    Like

  10. Matt says:

    I am a bisexual male who tends to date other bisexuals for this reason but part of challenging the stereotype is acknowledging the portion of our community that is like that, male and female. We are also biphobic to each other. Men cry about having it much worse than women and fail to see the fate they have. I am only treated poorly by gay men and straight women and oddly, telling them don’t worry, I stick to my own makes me worse off but there is a portion of them that give us a bad name or just experimenters or closet gay people coming out and we never address that. Getting defensive isn’t the way to respond if we want progress because the anger is probably from some crushes. I have wound up with some of these bi men and women myself and it hurts. I just know as a bisexual who has been seen like this since 1st grade, the issue with bisexuals mainly is their willingness to participate in a push-pull issue with gay and straight people and while we are both, we are also neither so we kind up need to get out of that paradigm a bit and shape up.

    We can teach better from that view. I see that bring people down and I don’t understand it because I was never seen as one or the other and fell for two people long term like that who were awesome. Bisexual, gay and straight people need to see the reality and that we are not in the middle in the sense of their battle and that is where we are going wrong. This is partially the bisexual’s fault too. We are out of that paradigm and our issues that overlap are everyone’s issues but we all have different things we deal with. I can relate to straight men and gay men on many issues that each one would think was irrelevant. Straight men for instance have made the biggest change in views out of all in the past 15 years. They are much more tolerant than they were. I am treated different than a gay person but I see a body language between them that is very territorial, like threatening or turf wars and I know I don’t deal with that. It is a bigger issue than just this because I get this with straight women and gay men and after a berating session about how “undateable” I am, I relieve them ,so I think, by saying I stick with my own type and I am a bigot and hetero and homophobe after that. I think we all miss the point…

    Like

    • Matt says:

      In my case, given the gender difference, gay men and straight men to me have the same thing in common their egos and pride in their macho (and femme in some senses) dominant urges and I know I have heard from straight men that they fear being too kind or too nice or even mention any curiosity because of the identity scorekeeping and some queens will just label people as gay and out them for a dream they admitted to. I have no relating but aside from bi men I have been with most sexual experiences when I was younger were with straight curious men who are afraid to associate with gay men. And I have met a few gay men I can talk to but because I never was in the closet since the school called home when I was having the little kid crushes with both and I had no choice and I don’t have that push pull thing to sway to one side or the next because I have never been considered either or. In my area, the bi women are not too into the straight men so much these days and I think the increase in the bisexual awareness is pushing us to our own to sort of show a better example than what the examples we have. Some bi men hate bi women because they assume they are sluts for straight men and some bi women assume we have AIDS and sleep with back to back gay men and treat them like crap. I have gotten the straight privilege snub from exes that think that way but that is part of the closeted life that I have no experience with. I get along great with lesbians but have never been with a gay man at all. They tend to be attracted to me, body language wise but get nasty and then angrier if I am not interested in them. I think they have issues between themselves and straight people because of that straight acting thing and the straight fantasy and it really isn’t all that great to be honest. I was in judo with all of them for years and only had their respect because I won more tournaments from that and my ex who I was with for 5 years met me through there. I try hard to be friends but there is something I don’t understand as a result of not being in the closet, which wasn’t easy. I was always seen as a joke, not real or in some sort of sordid triangle or some affair of some sort.

      Like

Any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s