Happy to be unhappy

The other day I tried to talk to a lesbian about How to get away with murder: huge mistake.

I: I love Connor and Oliver: they are the best couple on the show.

L: But they are gay.

I: So?

L: (incredulous) So they are gay, and they are in an established relationship, while the lesbians are represented by a maybe bisexual psychopathic woman who has sex with her ex girlfriend with the only purpose of using her to accomplish her psychotic evil plans.

I: Yeah, but Connor…

L: He is gay.

That’s only an example of how lesbian brains work: they hate things, just because they are not lesbian enough or because they are lesbian in the wrong way or because they are too lesbian.

But gays aren’t any better.

G: What’s Betty doing here? I mean, it’s four a.m. and this is a gay club.

I: She is here with Eric.

G: Yeah, but she is here because she wants to, it’s not like he is making her stay. The problem is that she doesn’t have any straight friend: she’s a total fag hag. I really hate those, so obsessed with gay people, gay stuff, gay sex, gay everything. Doesn’t she need to fuck?

I: You know, I’m a girl and I’m here with you, in a gay club, at four a.m.

G: (incredulous) Are you kidding, right? You two are so not the same: you are bi!

I don’t think me being bi was actually the point: the point was that I was there with him, not with Eric or John or Matt and that’s why it was fine. Probably Eric, John and Matt were saying the same things about me behind my back.

So yes, gays and lesbians need to be hypercritical, to complain about stuff, to find a way to be constantly unhappy: that’s how the rainbow world turns, and don’t try to deny it.

Straight people are not ok because -come on!- they are straight.

Bisexual people are not ok because -of course- they are slutty liars.

Gay relationships in movies or TV shows are not ok because they aren’t realistic or believable, because they are too sad or not sad enough, because lesbians don’t scissor and because gays use lube.

Girls who have gay friends are not ok because they are fag hags: they don’t actually like the guy, but his being a homosexual.

In the end, nothing is ok, not even when it should be.

Don’t misunderstand me: complaining is awesome. I complain all the time and I literally love it.

But when it’s too much it’s too much: blabbing and criticizing is fine, hurting people’s feelings or trying to find ulterior motives where there aren’t any, isn’t.

Sometimes, instead of looking for the negative, we should try looking for the positive.

Try this game: every time a fag hag upsets you or a straight guy tells you how horny he was when he saw you and your girlfriend kissing, close your eyes and repeat three times:

“They are gonna vote for gay rights”.

“They are gonna vote for gay rights”.

“They are gonna vote for gay rights”.

Feeling better?


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